dear grandpa. i miss you so much. every time i see your pictures i feel the tears swell up and i try so hard to not cry but i can’t help it. seeing your face just reminds me that you’re really gone. maybe i’m still in denial. i saw your altar through skype yesterday. it was like your picture was staring through me. and i know you were watching me. i know you were watching me bow down and kneel and knock my head against the hard floor. but i still don’t believe it. i still expect you to open the door this christmas when i walk in. i still expect you bike to the supermarket to buy my favorite tomatoes. i still expect you to give me that look when i eat too much junk food right after the giant breakfast you bought me. i expect you to just…be there. but you won’t be. i guess it’s kind of settling in. the funeral music was muted through the video chat but for some reason it felt like the whole living room had speakers and all i could hear was that horrible wailing noise. i’ve seen many altars. i’ve been to funerals. and i never cry. but i didn’t expect to see your face resting in that frame. seeing my relatives was so comforting. especially my uncles. there’s something about them that i can’t explain. and then seeing my mom ruined everything. the only other time i’ve seen her like this is when she lost the baby. fuck. i should stop thinking about that. grandpa. i don’t know how i’m going to live without you. i don’t know how to move on. because this is not something one just moves on from.
on a side note. staying home alone is so depressing but at the same time i don’t want to stay with anyone else. i don’t want them to see or hear me cry. and i know this is twisted but when they care about me it makes me feel even worse. i don’t want to be a burden and i know i have to handle this alone. i miss mom. i miss dad. they’re probably having it worse than me. i lied about not going to service. it’s not because of the conflicts. cheerleading and choir and sats are nothing compared to him. it’s just i don’t think i could handle seeing him lay in the casket and i don’t think i’ll ever be able to get over seeing all my relatives and not knowing what to do or say. it’s quiet here. come four thirty i expect to hear the garage door open and a hug from mom. come five thirty i expect to hear dad’s annoying sing song voice belt out some stupid chinese song. but they won’t. i stayed up until two last night crying in the bath. i tiptoed around the house after i was done but i realized i could be stomping and dancing and screaming and it wouldn’t wake them up because they’re both 8,900 miles away.
grandpa. everything sucks. please stay next to me and tell me not to do anything stupid to myself. because i really wish i didn’t exist right now. give me a reason to live. please.
